Farewell to my AN

To the attention of my anorexia nervosa,

Some call you Edi some call you Ana. I don’t really know who you are. Maybe that is what I have to listen to you know. So that you will listen to me because I will know how to call you.

I only know that for too long you have been by me and now I am really tired of you. You have wasted me and you have made me forgot who I am, lying to me about what it is worth to fight for, about what is life about, about how I have to be or what I have to think.

I have enough.

Today I am an adult, not the 11 year old girl that chose to hold you by her hand.

I am aware of your message of anger and hate, of your dishonest and manipulative personality, about your ultimate goal of killing me by slowly starving or even worse, by instantaneously killing myself.

Today I say goodbye: I forgive you but I choose now to accept myself and to live free.

I start a new adventure by the hand of Junye and in the shoulders of my family so I don’t need you anymore.

From today I will listen to my real self, I will nourish my stomach and not your ideas, I will care of my thoughts, I will navigate through my emotions to live in a island of peace and freedom, and pleasure.

Yes I am going to enjoy life because I deserve it.

I am going to eat because I love doing so.

I am going to love because I am here for others and because I feel well helping and I grow by seeing others being happy.

I thank you because you brought me some peace when I didn’t believe in myself and I felt I needed control.

You also showed me that with perseverance and constancy and will I can reach any objectives I have in my life. But from now on, I choose objectives of growth and life, of family and science, of happiness and consciousness, a rich and satiated full live, from the stomach to the heart and the mind.

I am a warrior. I am brave and I thrive whatever is in my path. If it hurts, I become stronger. I am beautiful. I am life. I thrive. 

I will be mindful, so don’t try to trick me to come back. I have tools today, because you made me become a warrior.

I gave up on your battles and now I want to win my war.

I can be grateful, I can live with my five senses, I can wear a smile, I can have fruitful relationships (DEAR MAN GIVE), I can meditate, I can do activities that connect me with the world like yoga or walking in the woods, I can be creative, I can accept and forgive, I can breathe and I can love myself and my body. As you see, I don’t need you.

I love Junye, I ought it to my parents, and to Gala, and to my grandma that gave all her last breathings to encourage me to face you. 

I am ready.

Today I let go, and with it, I let you go.

Regards,

L

“You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl, Lia-Lia, caught in between the worlds. You’re a ghost with a beating heart. Soon you’ll cross the border and be with me. I’m so stoked. I miss you wicked.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

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3 thoughts on “Farewell to my AN

  1. I LOVE wintergirls! That’s my favorite book. I’m still caught up in my ED/Ana and I have plans of what I will do when I am free from my parent’s grasp. You are much tougher than me and I find that extremely admirable. Hang in there.

    Like

    • Hey there! Not comparing ourselves. I only started feeling I am worthy to fight for when I was compassionate to myself, and opened the eyes of my positive aspects and accepted the negative ones!
      My parents have always been a great support, I am sure yours also give you unconditional love. Hang in there and keep going!

      Liked by 1 person

    • I was caught (and I probably still ate, but a bit less) until 2 months ago.
      I recently came across a book that opened my eyes and changed my perspective on recovery. It is called Love Fat, by Tabitha Farrar. I highly recommend it, as well as her website!

      Liked by 1 person

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