I have always enjoyed writing.
I always admired people able to sing, or paint.
I did ballet for many years.
I had a frustrated violin career, that surprisingly (or not?) finished at the same time as my anorexia started.
I pain attention to the details and I am sensible to how things look, like, smell, taste.
I definitely love arts.
But is there an artist within me?
I my dear guide, Vero @purplerainnutrition, we have been exploring since the beginning of our journey together how to awake the intuition within me. How to inspire me to let go and to be confident with myself, my decisions, my choices, my life.
Yesterday we realised that at some point in my life, maybe that day when I suddenly got sucked in my violin recital, when I was 11, my intuition betrayed me. And there was my warm mind to give me a shelter. My mind saved me from a shame I couldn’t allow myself to experience and help me to overcome some traumatic experience.
But then, the naïve kid I was trust her and… remained with her. And since then, I have been living there, in my personal dictatorship, where severe control is the least I can do for her.
Today I completely rely on my mind. My mind is the master. Period.
Food choices is the most obvious expression of it, since it can be simply based on calories and grams.
But I also rely on her regarding my emotions, that are totally out of limits, so that anger succeeds frustration too often.
My mind has brought me to a life of prison and rules, of loneliness and darkness. My palette is today only made of black and my body is constricted by a tight chain.
But Vero is helping me to find my intuition again, to connect to the naïve kid that still lives inside me.
I can, from now on, be the artist of my life.
Eating can be a feast to the eyes, colourful palette, as I love to see the bright orange of mango, the translucent skin of Har Gao.
Eating can be a collection of smells, my stomach awakening with the orders of the curry, my mind wandering home with the trace of garlic.
Eating can be an array of sounds. Like every morning when the crunchy cereal from my resonates in my ear and I am reminded of him next to me with his slurping of noodles.
Eating can be sensual, from the soft bunchy touch of Liu Sha Bao to the challenging layering of an egg.
And of course, eating is a symphony to the taste, sour plums thrilling every time, exploding wasabi in my tongue.
Why do we eat? Is it merely because our bodies need energy? Eating has since the early days an essential symbolic behind, as the earliest trace of civilisation and life in a society?
Do I want to eat numbers or experiences? Do I eat concepts or foods?
I want today to invite the unknown artist within me to my table, so that we can start our journey together.
Until now, when I eat, I don’t feel my stomach getting full, while my mind becomes a storm of thoughts and a cacophony of voices.
I am learning how to listen to my stomach, and how to fill my mind with unforgettable moments of pleasure and eating experiences.
Today I started to notice my thoughts and my coping emotions, to realise that if I do not listen to them, they disappear and another one comes. I must just let them come and go. Bringing me back. Focusing on the story each bite is telling me.
Ideally, after a meal, I would be able to write about what I just ate, and make you hungry, with all details of the texture, the temperature, the perfume, the music, the beauty, the taste of each ingredient. Reading my words, you should feel you are sitting with me, sharing my plate! The day I reach that, I will have truly mindfully eaten!
For eating to be that sensory experience, I will start by no weighting my food, and by buying food without labels.
The food doesn’t belong to the mind but the intuition.
My intuition is my chef. I am an artist.
I can take portraits of my foods. My plates can be my creations, of which I will be proud.
Of course, I can’t directly jump into the void. I will forget about meal plans. No control nor restriction.
This will rage my Eating Disorder monster that will release its demons drag me to his Hell. The anxiety will possess me and I will forget about all I write here. It is in this moments I will use my coping strategies to bring me back to the present moment. To keep away from the mind.
I will see my world with a curious eye, I will harvest experiences from every second of my eating, until the artist is satisfied.
I will start my mindful eating experience by eating local, real food, and by being flexible. I is a great opportunity to discover more of Singapore and its hawker heritage, its tiny hidden wet markets and all kind of local foods here. I am grateful to be in such a diverse and unique place, where the gastronomic culture has a long rooted past!
Yesterday, I found hope again, yesterday I recognised happiness.
Today I believed. Today I trusted me.
Tomorrow I can create. Tomorrow I can win.
Let’s find the artist within myself, backed by the intuition, with just a bit of mind, and immersed in a sea sensations.
Food as an act of respect and kindness, as a medicine, as a piece of art, as a joy.
“Cookery is not chemistry. It is an art. It requires instinct and taste rather than exact measurements.”
– Marcel Boulestin