this is a journey where you will sometimes eat less, sometimes more, sometimes be hungry 5 min later, sometimes no dinner, sometimes a huge dinner. You are discovering food for the first time since you were a child. Be gentle with yourself and be daring, move past your comfort zone. Challenge your beliefs, you are so much more than your beliefs.
Are recovery binges necessary?
Can they be frequent, but not applicable to myself? Can I be special this time?
What a batch of rhetoric questions.
Why do those binges happen at all?
Brain forbids the body to get some kinds of foods. Then the mind has to keep focused on it, it sends a constant warning so that it do not allow yourself to eat that.
And then that food becomes an obsession.
From an evolutionary point of view, Humans easily crave fats and sugars because we are hard wired to seek and value these high caloric and dense foods, which would help us survive times of famine or when food was scarce (such as the winter), which is not adaptive. Imagine being a caveman and having being forbidden to eat the animal you just hunted, the animal lying in front of you, and being asked to run, to drink tea, to sleep instead. What would you do if you were free next winter? I take two mammoths and greedily keep them for myself!
I can’t escape from them in the road to recovery. Or they will remain demons chasing me.
I too need to recover by bingeing and letting go restriction in the same time.
But I am terribly scared of it. So scared I keep thinking I am not ready.
Yes I CAN.
My goal can’t be gaining enough weight. But feeling satisfied after each meal, noticing that my body is too. Signs of it? All but numbers. Hormones working, normal metabolic rates, finally showing signs of being a woman!
Recovery is not about weight. Restoration doesn’t imply the restriction is over even if many specialists consider yourself almost recovered. That is a lie. It is lying to yourself, it is he happy voice of your Eating Disorder fooling you all. The story becomes even darker for those that have restored their weighs but whose mind is still in the restricting spiral. Those are immersed in the stigma, and some would’t even believe they are sufferers of eating disorders. Eating disorders can affect anyone, independetly of sex, age and SIZE.
I have lived by meal plans since the first time I was weight recovered the first time. And that paved the way to new forms of restriction. Only can I eat the foods covered, at the times allocated, with the same proportions.
Meal plans are a disguised way of restriction. Whenever a cell in my brain was adventurous enough to suggest a given food, it had to check it was allowed. If not, it was just another food to the blacklist, another demon to defeat today.
If diets have failed millions of humans, meal plans have failed thousands of eating disorder warriors.
For how long will I be bingeing? Sure, the least I restrict at once the fastest it will be. That is the crude scary truth.
What will people thing if the little cute person I am eats more than 4 hungry guys that just finished their training? People will be embarrassed eating next to me. Not embarrassed, disgusted.
How can I be in the lab, calm, peaceful, when my stomach will be so busy digesting? Can I carry on my life? Would those binges be worthy, if everything had to stop? The path to freedom is priceless.
Very often I want to ask him to choose my portions. I choose the food, already beating the what voice of my ED, but not the how much. But that wouldn’t be letting go. That would be unfair for all. That would be continuing lying to myself. I am responsible for this today. I alone can recover even if I can’t do it alone.
If I tell a random person on the street he can have banquets every single day of his life, would’t he be crying of joy?
There is the path. Recovery is learning, learning how to be a confident version of myself.
There will be no right or wrong as soon as there are no restrictions.
There is no balanced diet or good food. There is only the food your body wants now.
There is the foods the body allow yourself to give him in recovery. In the amounts it wants, whether they seem human or gargantuan size.
I can see those experiences with a curious eye. How do I feel when a craving arrives? Do I listen to what the craving tries to tell me? Am I grateful to him for facing my demons, for raising his voice even louder than the Eating Disorder voice?
To discover myself I have to be adventurous and jump in the void. I will gift me experiences. My journey is to be done with my mind, with my stomach, with my body.
I can play being my only partner, not letting the other’s opinions, not letting my ED voices set the peace of the game.
This is a journey where I will sometimes eat less, sometimes more. Sometimes I will be hungry after a short while, sometimes my body will beg to give him no dinner, sometimes a huge dinner.
I am discovering food for the first time since am 11, since I was almost a child. When that chocolate cake in Matilda haunted my imagination and I started asking questions.
I have to be gentle with yourself, as I would be with a kid discovering the world. I can be daring, moving past your comfort zone.
I am challenging your beliefs, because I am so much more than my beliefs.
I am an explorer, I am a warrior.
Who knows maybe one day all those experiences I will have collected will the substrate for the neuroscientist career I want to have, the guideline of the book I have always wanted to write, the stories to tell to my grandchildren around a fire.
Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole / I thanks whatever gods may be, for my unconquerable soul. / In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud / Under the bludgeonings of fate, my head is bloody, but unbowed. / Beyond this place of wrath and tears, looms but the horror of the shade / and yet, the menace of the years finds, and shall find me, unafraid. / It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishment the scroll / I am the master of my fate – I am the captain of my soul.
– Nelson Mandela