I have had a hard week in the lab. Since January, I am completely stucked in one experiment. It seems so simple, just placing an tiny electrode in a neuron, and measuring the current in those cells. I speak 8 hours per day trying to communicate with rat neutrons, checking that they are still alive.
But instead, I just follow them in their death. My world boils down to a little round window where they are trapped. There is just obscurity around. That is where I am.
Nothing goes well. The lab is becoming a parallel of my personal fight.
Little by little, I have lost confidence, faith and hope.
Today one colleague said that if she was me, she would be frustrated. That she would have stopped trying. That is what I feel too, but I am too proud to say it out loud.
I tried to continue working but I was just ruminating her words.
If she was you, you would have succeeded already.
You are so stupid. You will lose your scholarship. You won’t be able to get by. You are trash. You deserve nothing. You deserve no one.
It was soon snack time. But my stomach was completely sucked, so was my throat. Back to the old days.
Just stopped messing things. Go home. Walk home. Skip your snack. Leave this place, you are a shame. Anyways, you will get nowhere today.
When you reach home, keep yourself distracted. For diner maybe just some cereals will make. You shouldn’t spend a single cent in it. Keep in mind you will lose your scholarship so you will need that money later. And anyways, today no one is coming to eat with you. If they ask just say anything.
It felt good. It felt damn good. The familiarity of those words. I was back home, safe…
It could only be better if I hit myself, just a little bit. In the stomach it is the best. Eventually it can make it flatter. For sure, it will terrify him even more, then he won’t bother begging for food.
And suddenly, I felt lonely. I felt scared. It was all starting again. It couldn’t be. I couldn’t let it happen.
And then, tears wet my eyes.
Loneliness. That new friend that arrived since I finally opened my heart. I never felt lonely before. I had my Best Friend, my murderer friend, always by me. Since I try to let him go, I know what real loneliness is, what an empty heart feels like, when I am scared.
But that loneliness also comes to remind me of the people outside, beyond that deadly black circle I am looking through. Yes, I do care about them. Yes, they do care about me. They love me, they believe in me.
As the storm of tears started, and I lost sight of the neurons through the microscope, I turned to my mind and became aware of my thoughts.
I caught them trying to stay there, trying to avoid my tears from flowing.
Those thoughts were the one my demons were building for me. To them, my pain should not be evacuated but to stay there. The demons must make sure I grip the thoughts they send to me. They need me to feel miserable and disgusting. The eating disorder needs me to be lost so that I try to find a shelter in him. He makes me feel desperate and alone so that I embrace and surrender to him.
But I am warrior now.
“One day in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” – Sigmund Freud