I get to be an explorer,
to find who I am.
I get to be an astronomer,
discovering where my stars lie,
I get to be a cartographer,
sailing to define my body map.
I get to be an artist,
crafting my catharsis.
Boundaries, limits, frontiers,
That is not what life,
what love are about.
I expand to infinity,
I connect with other beings,
Yes I feel their call,
and their energy.
Yes I feel they all belong.
I am excited.
Excited to live and explore,
and fail and love.
This poem is inspired by what I have understood that recovery means to me.
Anorexia is about restriction and mine goes well beyond eating. I have restricted what living and being represent. Control is even in when to breathe, when to lie.
Recovery has no mold to fit in, and that is why I feel so scared about it. The anxiety about not knowing what a food is, is the same I feel now about not knowing where my next step leads. It is messy and personal.
But if I obsess with an idea of perfection and linearity in it, I will never know what letting go is, and thus I will never truly recover. My problem is not about the food, but about loving and accepting myself, about having confidence in my body and what it encapsulates.
I am defining my identity outside anorexia. There is thousands of things to love and hate, to experience beyond it. Not controlling gives me mental space to grow as a person.
I am cultivating myself. I am growing as person. In the end, recovery is a short period in life, in relation to all the other things I will be free to discover once I get rid of the demons, of fear, control, restriction and limitation.
I need to fight them in a broader context, bring them outside and bring them to light first. Accept them, know them, face them. And then use my weapons and skills to overcome over challenges, because life is exciting because it is not easy, because it is a road full of bumps that help us grow.
I believe I am like a flower ready to blossom.
I would be a jasmine, pure, white, sensual smell, delicate.
Or just another bunch of carbon atoms, seeking more and more energy to move around. And when the pressure explodes, the self-organisation finally happens; the magic occurs and those dark atoms give birth to a diamond.
When we are satisfied with simply being we see the shining of our own diamond. The gem we all are when we truly are.
We all have the potential to be precious stones, we just have to let the transformation happen.
And that is what recovery is about.