I have lived in anxiety and fear because I was (and still am) afraid of being worthless, of being empty, of not having a reason to be, of not deserving life.
I still have those fears. And that is OK, provided I don’t live in them. Thoughts and feelings come, I can’t stop them. But if I try to respond to them or to justify them, I engage with them and they win. They become me. The key is in noticing and accepting them, and then shifting to something else.
I have walked down the road since last time.
I have daily challenges to myself and my thoughts, in a quest for health.
I feel depressed and lost, I have lost sight of who I am but I am also reminded of who I am not and what I don’t want to be.
I am really encouraged and hopeful today. I can’t even imagine how difficult will this be. But I know what I will find if I look back and I am certain that I don’t want to be there.
I have also understood that it is not the final destination that matters but the path because that is the now and that is inevitably over, and never comes back.
The path may last very long, but also brings and infinity of precious nows.
So I should enjoy every bite, be grateful for every thought I notice, acknowledge all actions I take, whether it is one step back or forth.
Because it will mean I am being, I am fighting for life.
I let go. I breathe. I forget. I accept.
And I flow, and I continue walking down the road.
I am in my self. I am myself. I am alive and just that makes me happy.
When I am, I become aware of my value. I appreciate my strength and my vulnerabilities. I find real confidence just within myself. I finally give myself unconditional love, permission to live, pardon.
Just being, I bring myself back to live.
“In this time, great confusion and suffering exist simply because humanity cannot simply be.” – Sakyong Ripham Rinpoche
PS: If you love the cover photo of this post as much as I do, visit my friend’s Amy new blog. You will find yummy Singapore food recipes that she has obsessively mastered and kindly shares with us and most importantly, her irresistible cute drawings of it!